Re-Framing: Windows & Mirrors
I want to touch on the subject of how you deal with people who insist on seeing themselves in a negative light. It can be a frustrating experience when you find your efforts of encouragement rebuffed. The situation may end in disagreement, the other person may get angry and distant, and it may all lead to you deciding to say nothing more in the future.
A study released by the Renison University College at Waterloo confirms that people with low self-esteem are “often resistant to their friends’ reminders of how positively they see them and reject what we call positive reframing–expressions of optimism and encouragement for bettering their situation.” People with low-esteem actually want you to confirm their personal views about themselves, they want their version of reality legitimised, and feel that a positive view disregards the way they are feeling. Your good intentions actually make them feel worse.
One way to understand how to resolve this conundrum is to reframe the issue in terms of windows and mirrors. A mirror confines perspective to limited space. It gives you nowhere to move and nothing more to see. Your reflection is trapped. People with low-esteem may respond to interactions that mirror their feelings about themselves because they feel it is more ‘real’. As a friend or family member, what you need to do is to acknowledge what this person is seeing but to continue to provide windows that enable the person to redirect their gaze away from that mirror to gain a wider view.
Image source: flickr/gregory mc.